I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I could make wine with my vomit
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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