I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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