I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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