I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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