I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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