I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
