ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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