Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
