I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
