R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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