this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
