I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
