you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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