How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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