Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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