So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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