nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
