she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
