I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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