I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
