One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
