that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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