my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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