i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
