does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
