Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
