Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
