we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
