The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
