Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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