I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
