I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my sisters under your porch take her home
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
