There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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