Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
