Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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