I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
