dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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