I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
