Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
