i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
