dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
