Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You are a genius and a whore.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
