Sacagawea was the original milf.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
MIDGETS
????
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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