yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I don't deserve a penis
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Randomize
