theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
