just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
