i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
