sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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