Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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