I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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