I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
