So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
