the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
