I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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