He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
