plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
