i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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