One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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