I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My ATM looks so different sober.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
