Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
