hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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